He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
