I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize