I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
