I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
