Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
