I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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