Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
