So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
