I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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