I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
