You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
