This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
