I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
