The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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