He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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