This beer is not sobering me up at all
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
