Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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