Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
