What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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