"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
