So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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