I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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