So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
