Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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