Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
