Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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