Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
