So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
