You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
