How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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