dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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