I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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