she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
