If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
