I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
