even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
