She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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