If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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