Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
