If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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