I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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