Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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