You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
