There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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