Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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