six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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