I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
