I wish I could teleport
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
