That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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