I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
