Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
