he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
