If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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