No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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