I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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