Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
