apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
