He is such a slut. More and more my type.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
