I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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