So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
