Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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